16 things you know if you rent your home.

This evening Collette and I were discussing our separate rental properties and the landlord convention that they must have every year to keep up their huge cliches when I decided to start writing this post. I haven't had #inspiration to write a post so quickly in a while so I'm a bit excited about this. (I know, bit geeky).
I've rented a few places over the last couple of years and have definitely noticed some similarities. Here we go!

1. For some reason all of the walls will definitely be magnolia.

2. If you're lucky there might even be some kind of odd textured wallpaper that has had magnolia painted over the top of it.

3. You probably wouldn't actually dare paint over any part of it no matter how bland it may be because that deposit is a lot of money to not get back just for a slightly more aesthetically pleasing wall.

4. You've probably had a bit of a tiff with a landlord/ letting agency about not getting part of your deposit back. It is soul destroying when you've been a decent tenant and spent a whole day deep cleaning before you move out. So fuck you and your cleaner who charges £50 to get some limescale off a shower screen Janice. (Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.)

5. The carpets are usually some kind of shit brown/taupe/tan colour.

6. If they're not and you have cream carpets you spend all of your time on edge about spills.

7. At some point you will have looked at a house for sale on your street and worked out how much less per month you'd be paying for a mortgage. If only the rental market were less extortionate and you could save for a deposit. #millenialproblems

8. Your landlord probably has a 'handyman' that they use instead of getting actual work people in. It's probably their dad.

9. If your landlord is local, you may have lived with a problem for a while instead of having the stress of them coming to inspect it themselves and seeing how you live in their house.

10. You will never want to do anything major to the house to make it feel like your own. Usually because you're not allowed but also no matter how long you may be thinking of staying somewhere it always feels a bit temporary.

11. Every so often you get itchy feet and spend every spare minute on Zoopla or Right Move lusting after other places to rent near you. (Look this one has exposed brick, think of the Instagrams!)

12. You will look on in awe at people 5+ (I'm 24) years younger than you buying their own houses and wondering if they sold their soul to do so.

13. There will always be someone who looks down on you for renting "it's dead money!". Fuck off, mate.

14. If you decide to get married or have a child before buying a house you will probably find yourself justifying it to everyone and yourself, constantly.

15. Sometimes when you're pretending you don't actually want to own your own house you can bring out the old "You know mortgage basically translates as death contract, right? I just don't want to be tied down!"

16. No (or hardly any) rental places in the UK allow pets and it's basically the most upsetting thing in my life at any given time.

Hope you liked my little listicle (isn't that what the cool cats over at Buzzfeed call them?) good bye for now from me and my patterned magnolia walls and shit brown carpet in my little rented terraced house that I love. 

 

The ugly sides of wedding planning!

I want to preface this by saying I am SO excited to be married to my wonderful fiancé Sam, I have to say that here because I've made a few comments about eloping recently and he said it sounds like I'm not excited to marry him. Oops!  So yes, very in love, very excited to be husband and wife and all that heteronormative business.

Now onto the real juicy stuff. Wedding planning, probably 70% of the time I love it, the other 30% I want to email everyone I'm working with to plan it and tell them its off and we're going to Gretna Green (only 10 minutes from our house, so convenient!!). So these are some of the 'ugly sides' of wedding planning. I feel like you're really bombarded with posts and magazines that say wedding planning should be savoured and enjoyed in waves of champagne and cake tasting. Sometimes it's like that, sometimes it's shit and stressful and it is ALWAYS expensive.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder. 
Woah, straight in with the big guns. I am an anxious person, I have anxiety. This is a big factor in what makes wedding planning feel stressful for me I think! I have tweeted a few times about wedding anxiety dreams Ive had, these started before we had even booked the wedding! I wake up shaking from nightmares that awful things have happened on the wedding day, the most ridiculous being that our venue had ripped us off and booked 3 weddings on the same day then to apologise to us they had booked a motorcycle wall of death as entertainment, yeah. That's not all though it can be really awful things that I worry about such as that people arent going to turn up when they've RSVP'd yes or that they're going to be hospitalised before the wedding and they can't come! All of this obviously could happen and you take it all in your stride on the day I'm sure, GAD just makes it really hard to rationalise that.

Our matching flip flops because our shoes cut our feet to shreds. 

Some shopping experiences will be horrible. 
A few weeks ago my Mum and I went wedding dress shopping, can I be honest and say my dress is what I was most excited about getting for the day? So that's how giddy we were to go shopping. Our first shop was AMAZING, they made us feel at home, she was lovely and knew what dresses to pull for me from my random jumbled ideas of what I wanted. ("I want to be able to move, I mean I like lace but not too much lace, I just want to be comfortable, but I want to feel like a princess kind of.") So yeah, that's the shop I bought my dress from.
 After a large cheese filled meal and a good few cocktails we headed off to the next place and it. was. horrible. It started off nicely, it was a beautiful building, but then as soon as we were shown to our 'private dressing room' I started to have my doubts. It was just a bit shabby. The woman offered us prosecco, of course we said yes, and she brought us what me and my Mum can only ascertain was LAMBRINI! I am still shocked at the audacity to try and pull that off, it's hilarious honestly. The woman looking after us was just a bit rude she kept talking about 'girls of your size' (I'm a 16, the national average) and trying to make me up my already sizeable budget. She didn't help me pick out any dresses to try on, just left us to it, the only advice she gave was to 'avoid that wall over there, they're too expensive for you'.
When I was trying the dresses on she just hoiked me into them in front of my mum and then stood me in front of the mirror with a 'Well?'. It was just such a sharp contrast to the first place where she got me into the dress and brought me through to my mum, dressed me up with a veil and accessories to really see how the dresses looked. That made all the difference because, for me at least, I couldn't really see myself as a bride until I had the veil on and everything.
This is going to be the longest section but this lady also was sooooo pressurising for me to buy a dress I didn't even really like! She was trying to tell me it was being discontinued in a week so I really needed to order today, and I would need some of the shoes they sold here to go with it because then it wouldn't need any alteration. She scoffed and asked how tall Sam was when I said I would be wearing flats. Wow.
That was like some kind of bridal therapy getting all that off my chest!! I feel like I can't name the shop but if anyone is getting married and shopping for dresses in Carlisle, feel free to tweet me or something and I'll tell you the shop then to know where to avoid!

Money!! 
We all know that weddings are expensive, I'm not going to moan about that. What I am going to moan about is the perception from certain people that because you're not instantly booking/buying something it's because you can't afford it. So strange! It's not a perception I've come across before but it's happened a few times with shopping. The most notable was when we went looking for wedding rings, it was our first look so were just getting a feel for the rings. I said this to the woman after actually falling in love with a ring, just because I was trying to be sensible and not jump into things! She then said 'oh we offer finance if you don't have the money to buy it today'. It was maybe meant innocently but both Sam and I were shocked by the assumption that we couldn't afford it just because we didn't jump to buy. Very strange.

Hormones, yay!!!
I wasn't going to bother with this section as I know millions of people just put up with hormones and all those lady changes everyday however when you're wedding planning (for certain aspects) it feels like it really heightens things. For example, I went wedding dress shopping, then a few days later I went to order my dress and be measured etc, I was due for a visit from Aunt Flo and the dress I had previously tried on was now a whole size too small!! It's just crazy to me how much the body changes through the month. Another breakdown that I can only blame on hormones involves me counting the weeks and realising that if I became pregnant accidentally THIS EXACT WEEK then my due date would probably be the wedding date. Yeah, cut to me sat on the bathroom floor with a pregnancy test,   3 days before my period was due panicking because OMG we would have to cancel the wedding to have a baby! Nice.

Politics. 
The most political thing you will ever do is plan a wedding guest list. It feels like you're negotiating a deal between countries, neither of which you would ever dare to offend. I've had panic attacks about the fact that some people I'm not inviting will probably decide that it's me cut off when they're not invited. I know that some people will be offended that they're only invited to the evening. I almost lost it when I decided to have less bridesmaids than I had originally planned to save money on the budget. (Thankfully before they had been asked!) It's all difficult, thankfully, we are paying for it ourselves so our families kind of don't have pull on the whole 'why aren't you inviting this couple who knew you when you were 2 but are now kind of racist and problematic and you hate talking to them?' that's a bit satisfying to be able to say no, I'm not buying them 4 drinks and a 3 course meal plus hot evening buffet thanks Mum.

I am remembering the most important part, that we will be married after this. We love each other so much that we've decided to get the government involved. I am so excited for this lovely chap to be my husband, and I know we'll have magical day. I just want to show that if you're not particularly enjoying certain aspects of wedding planning, that is totally normal. Now let me get back to browsing Etsy and Not on the High Street for all the fun bits! Thanks for reading my ramble.

24 (very random) thoughts on my 24th Birthday.

It's my birthday! Today I turn 24 and so I'm writing about 24 things I've learned in my 24 years, I know, what a new and exciting concept! I hope you enjoy anyway, I have a feeling this will lose all structure and be really quite rambly.

1: I've learned, and I'm still learning, that I can't plan my life as much as I want to. This time last year I was completely ready for my boyfriend to move into my flat with me after he finished uni. As it turned out we ended up moving together 200 miles across the country, and becoming so much stronger because of it.

2: If I looked back to my 16 year old self fresh from my first ever break up and completely insecure I don't think I could have believed then that i would ever feel completely comfortable in myself. I still don't, and who knows if I ever will, but I'm far more comfortable (and I might even say confident!) than I'd ever thought could be possible.

3: You're not automatically good with money when you start earning enough to keep yourself comfortably. I always swore I would save and never have credit cards etc etc. Sometimes though life happens and as mentioned above, I needed the help of a credit card when I was earning for 2 people and moving across the country. It doesn't make me a bad person.

4: Exercise just has to happen, it does, I never liked it but I'm glad I've started now while my joints are still reasonably good and I can do most of the exercises I set out to do.

5: The secret to sticking to a skincare routine and in particular ensuring I always remove my make up was buying expensive white sheets. Who knew?

6: You shouldn't feel guilty about changing jobs when it's not for you. Since moving in July I have had 2 jobs, the first one, although not a bad job, wasn't for me and I couldn't stick it out for more than the 4 months I was there. I didn't enjoy it, I almost didn't apply for my current job because I was so worried about how people would react to me "not giving it a chance."

7: I really need to apologise less. Someone once said to me "every time you apologise when it's not necessary you are saying sorry for existing."

8: Sometimes you just need to eat takeaway pizza, like when you're heading off on the 2 hour journey to see your boyfriend and your bonnet flies up and smashes your windscreen. You need to let the police take your car away, get breathalysed, get a lift home and cry into Dominos until your roommate brings you flowers.

9: Nobody likes you when you're 23 is not true. Blink 182 were wrong! I felt so valued professionally and personally this year, it was really amazing.

10: Cooking a healthy nutritious meal really isn't that hard and sneaking veg into a pasta sauce is probably the best way to trick yourself.

11: My mum had a 5 year old (me!) when she was 24, I don't know how the fuck she did it. That's when a child is like a real life person who can think and act for themselves. My mum was such a grown up to me then, how was she 24?

12: I really don't enjoy drinking. I used to, don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of wild nights. However now I'm far happier without that feeling of no control and without the hangover the next day. Very rarely I will have a drink or 2 if I enjoy the taste of what I'm drinking but gone are the days of holding my nose to do shots or asking 'what will get me drunkest for the least amount of money??'.

13: Mental health is just as important as physical health. I'm a nurse, we have to call in sick if we have something potentially contagious so as not to pass it on to vulnerable patients. I've always been very vigilant about this and not felt guilty for sick time, but this year I had to take time off for my mental health. I completely beat myself up for it, but that shouldn't be how it is. The stigma of mental health, I hope, is slowly shifting but we're not there yet.

14: So called self care can be self destructive. We've all seen those cutesy tumblr posts encouraging you to have some chocolate and go to bed but sometimes what you need to do is shower (because you haven't in 4 days) or exercise (because you can't remember the last time you walked further than to the kitchen) and thats okay to say too.

15: Rimmel Kate Moss lipsticks are the best quality for the money they cost (that I've found anyway!).

16: People I saw being complete idiots (in the sense of behaving like shits and being suspended) at school are now getting married and having babies (on purpose!) and it's still the weirdest thing.

17: I've stopped caring whether things I like are cool or not and just started embracing the fact that I like them. I can listen to The Weeknd, Alanis Morisette, Kanye and Ray LaMontagne all in the same playlist and I'm so happy about it. I'm over apologising for my choices.

18: I have SO much to learn about the world around me. It started when I started looking into intersectional feminism and realising that I really haven't been inclusive in my views, but I'm learning. I'm learning why things I previously didn't see a problem with can be problematic or offensive to people. I'm so glad to still be learning and I am completely happy to have my views challenged and to be told why things need to be different. Ive researched as much as I can but sometimes it's good to know that there are people out there who will, even unwittingly, make me check myself too.

19: Being friends with the adults of your life is when you really start to feel grown up. When you can have conversations with your mum or grandparents and really feel on an equal level its great.

20: I have been more homesick than I ever have before in my year of being 23. I had moved out at 22 but only 16 miles from my Mum and even closer to my grandparents. Now, living across the country I have experienced that ache, and it does not get easier or lessen with age. You're never too old for homesickness.

21: I really really have to try not to sweat the small stuff, but the point is in the trying. The conscious effort to let the small stuff slide and look at the bigger picture is one I think is helping me grow as a person each day.

22: It's so worth getting the finance in order to have a car that I'm not worried is going to break down on every long journey made!

23: It really is better for me not to sleep in. I'm not used to having a job where the hours are pretty stable but at the moment thats how it is for me and having a regular wake up time has been amazing. I've even tried to stick to it within half an hour or so on a weekend and it makes me feel so much fresher than laying in bed until gone 11am. I know, younger me wouldn't have believed it.

24: I have to try and make 24 my best year yet, just in my appreciation of the year not because I expect big things to happen, I've learned not to expect things because life has other plans anyway! I want to learn, appreciate and love more than I did at 23 and probably less than I will at 25.


Thanks for reading my ramble if you made it all the way to the end. I hope the word vomit wasn't too dire!

10 things I need to say about weight loss.

I've been, as my doctor put it, 'actively losing weight' since New Year and with that happening I've noticed an awful lot of social norms seem to go out the window, all of a sudden people can comment on everything about what you eat and how you look, but it's okay because you invited it, didnt you?
Here's a list of the things I've noticed.

1.  If you tell someone you're 'on a diet' (I hate that term but it's for ease here) they immediately start offering sweets and 'unhealthy' items trying to tempt you away from it, would you do that with cigarettes to someone who's stopped smoking? Don't tell people to 'loosen up' and offer them things you know will tempt them, they're probably trying really hard to avoid this and just want support, it doesn't mean you have to give up eating that stuff. Just because your friend is dieting doesn't mean you can't eat a donut, and if your friend shames you for that, they're an asshole, its not because they're dieting.

2. You don't need to lose weight! Don't make me make this uncomfortable and tell you the reasons why, I personally, do need to lose weight. I can get all serious about my self esteem or even my health, its probably not what you want to hear.

3. People become health experts, they tell you why what you're doing is wrong and what you should be doing instead. Everyone has a story about how their auntie's, hairdresser's, niece's dog groomer's son found a miracle weight loss cure that works. Or how they know a nutritionist or a trainer or they've read an article in the Daily Fail that say the next big step to weight loss is drinking 200mls of water heated to 26 degrees with 0.34 teaspoons of honey and a dash of eye of newt. Leave me alone, let me eat my lunch and don't tell me i'm not allowed bread because I'm dieting, I need carbs.

4. Calorie counting is just disordered eating, it makes people obsessive. I have actually had someone say this to me, calorie counting does not work for everyone, I have tried it multiple times in the past and given up because it's felt too restrictive or it made me feel like a failure if I went over my calorie goal, but for some reason, this time it stuck. It's working for me and I like it.

5. People asking if you're allowed to eat that when you're on a diet, or worse still as I found when I was once seen eating a SINGLE DIGESTIVE BISCUIT 'aren't you supposed to be on a diet?' The problem here stems from society's views that a diet is about deprivation, its cutting out joy and taste to become skinny, and it couldn't be more wrong. For me, this is about longevity, I'm coming at you with the hard hitters now, its a LiFeStYLe ChAnGe. Forgive me for using that phrase. 

6. Being accused of body shaming for posting before and after pictures. There’s a lot of controversy around before/afters with regards to body shaming your own body and others who may look like you did in the before picture. I’ve found a lot of ‘real life fitness’ kind of people on instagram have been my biggest motivators, not the personal trainers who sweat green juice but the people who are in the same boat as you but a bit further down the line. The ones who know it’s absolute bullshit that you have to make time in your day that could be used for playing The Sims to exercise but that help you to stick at it because really being healthy is for yourself and no one else. I’ve posted pictures along these lines on my own instagram, above is a picture of me wearing the same dress with a difference in my weight, I put the pictures together for myself as at that stage I was feeling unmotivated and like there were no changes happening. I decided to post it because of the reasons above, maybe it would help someone else who sees that other people are doing the same as them. 

7. People have assumed that I think I’m better than them because i’ve been able to lose weight, I’ve even thought this about other people who are losing weight in the past when I wasn’t. (A kind of fuck you, I’m eating this donut, just try and say anything, like they would have done!) Weight loss is really fucking hard, it sucks, it feels never ending and no matter how much someone says to you to eat less and exercise more that is not how this is about to go down. I stress eat, I eat emotionally that can't be overcome by eating less, moving more. You have to have a change in mindset and I completely understand people who says they're not in a place where they can lose weight right now, i don't think just because its working for me right now (and who says it will continue to work?) doesn't mean i think I'm stronger or have more willpower. Weight loss is really really hard. 

8. Exercise makes you SO HUNGRY. I've spent most of this post complaining about other people when you're dieting, oops, guess i just had some things to get off my chest, but this one, this one is the killer. I am always ravenous after I work out and could quite easily devour £40 worth of dominos in one sitting, I've had to learn to be clever with pre/post workout food (by clever I mean pinterest and instagram are my friends) to kind of make this work for me, but there have been days where I've worked out and being doing amazingly well with my eating all day then ordered pizza. It happens. 

9. Weight does not come off all over the body at the same rate, it just doesn't happen in equal parts. I am an odd shape, I could wear  probably up to 4 different dress sizes in different parts of my body. It's so great. 

10.  Junk food is great, and I will never be one of those people who loves kale, also, dates and raw cocoa powder do not a sweet treat make. I'm sorry. 

This post isn't in any way supposed to offend anyone, I am a big believer in loving your body and accepting what you've got but also (and to completely contradict myself) I think if you want to change it in someway, as long as its safe, all power to you, whether it be through surgery, a haircut or weight loss. This is meant to be a bit of a tongue in cheek view of the things i've noticed since I started losing weight, even though I'm moaning a lot through this over this year I really have had a lot of support so it's definitely not all bad!